In Africa, one of the things that really touched my heart, was doing our morning devotions as a team. One morning, Adam brought the devotion from a line in the song "Hosanna". It's one of my favorite songs actually, and it was pretty awesome that God spoke to him, what God had also spoken to me just weeks before leaving for Africa. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours" - those are the lyrics that gripped me throughout the entire trip. It became my prayer, however, it also became the reason I hurt. Everytime I looked in a child's eyes, everytime I held a small hand, everytime I saw the hunger, not only for food, but for love and affection, my heart was broken. I felt as though it shattered into a million pieces. When the time came for me to say goodbye, especially to Patience, I was heart broken, devastated, and really wondering "God, why does it hurt so much?"
After much prayer and contemplation, I feel that I have a partial answer. In order for me to be broken before Him, I have to experience intense compassion for these children. In order for me to go through this transformation that has been taking place in my life, I have to be at a point in my life where I'm willing to sacrifice everything in order to touch the robe of His garment. That's what it's about. Laying everything down, being broken and naked before Him, stripped of our possessions, our support systems, because these are the things that make it easy for us to turn our heads the other way. But I had asked to have my eyes opened, to see what breaks God's heart and for Him to allow it to break mine... and that's exactly what happened. My eyes were opened to the things of the world and the things of the Lord. I saw things in this world that are horrible, that can make you cry, that make you angry; but then I saw the hope, the joy, and the victory too.
My purpose is to love those that are not loved by others; to have an understanding heart when others cannot understand, as Simon says "to be a mother to thousands". I've never known my calling to be more clear than it is now, and to think that it began with a simple prayer - to be broken before God, and to have the eyes of my heart opened. I will pursue this calling with everything I have. There will be times of struggle, there will be times when I can't believe how difficult it is, and there will be times when I will have to make very tough decisions regarding my life, my family and friends, my purpose and what I'm willing to sacrifice in order to do what I was born to do. I feel that I have already begun this time in my life, and I pray that God give me the strength, wisdom and peace to persevere. He is the only reason I live, He is the only reason I want to live, and therefore, nothing else matters.
Scriptures that have been ministering to my heart lately:
Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge the Lord, and He will make straight your paths."
Psalm 147: 3-5, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars, he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure."
Psalm 34: 4-7, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him and delivers them."
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